Rather than offing myself, I decided to change the ringtone. I was surprised to discover that although Apple has pre-loaded the iPhone with no less than twenty-five ringtones, not one of them defines me as a person. Apparently, there are no less than twenty-six types of people.

Ringtones represent a small revenue stream for Apple, since you can convert songs purchased through the iTunes store into ringtones for 99¢ per track — if the track has the bell symbol. I cannot afford $.99 because I just bought an expensive phone, so I decided to utilize one of Apple’s free features and make the damn thing myself using iTunes 8.

This process only works with DRM-free songs, so I chose an album I had purchased from Amazon.com: Has Been by William Shatner. “Common People” is actually my favorite track on that album, and one of my favorite songs of all time, but I’ve always felt that Henry Rollins would make a good ringtone. I’ve shared the “I Can’t Get Behind That” ringtone with a few good people on Twitter.

I encourage you to make your own ringtone using iTunes 8, but if you happen to be a 26th type of person just like me, you can download the Shat-ollins ringtone.